The Ultimate Battle in which Two Odd People
by The Puppet of Jenova
Summary: My first attempt at an FF Crossover/Parody. Squall vs Cloud R+R please!


The Ultimate Battle in Which two odd People Duke it out in the Ring!  
A Comedy  
Based on Final Fantasy VII/VIII  
  
Mystery Announcer: Hello, and welcome to Balamb Garden (why did they not pass me, WHY, WHY, WHY!??) for the 1st annual Ultimate Battle in which Two odd people Duke it Out in the Ring!  
In one corner we have Cloud Strife, a powerful man who wields a gigantic Buster Sword and tends to think he is someone else. (to Cloud) Hey, Cloud. How can you hold that thingy, dude?  
  
Cloud: (looks around) Cloud? Who's Cloud?  
  
Mystery Announcer (Hereby known as 'Announcer'):Riiiiiiiiight.. Any how, in the other corner stands Squall Leonhart, a SeeD planted in a run-down Garden!  
  
Crowd: (boos about the last line of the Announcer)  
  
Announcer: Sorry about that, guys, it's in the script. And speaking of it, if you have any questions, comments, or concerns about this script, you may contact the brilliant author of this script, whose name is. (flips through script) Sorceress Edea Kramer!  
  
Crowd: (more boos)  
  
Announcer: Back on subject, we have a few questions for you, Squall . Squall: (Whatever)  
  
Announcer: Squall, how do the bullets come out of the gunblade?  
  
Squall: (annoyed) By pressing the R1 button, chicken-wuss. Wait a sec, that's Zell's line. (whips out cell phone) Hey, Zell, Wazzzuuup!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Zell: (V.O) Wazzzzzzzzuuup!!!!!!! Yo, Irv, pick up the cordless!  
  
Irvine: (V.O) Wazzzzzzzuuup!!!!!!  
  
Squall: Wazzzzzzzzzzuuup!!!! (pauses) Anyway, Zell, you didn't happen to write part of the script of Ultimate Battle in which Two odd people Duke it Out in the Ring, did you?  
  
Zell:(V.O) Well. I made some last-minute adjustments, why? Just to get back at Seifer for a few things.  
  
Squall: Seifer. What the-  
  
Zell: (V.O) Gotta Go, dawg. (This can be heard in the background: "Laguna? Wazzzzzzup!)  
  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
Announcer: Ummmmm.. Squall for a second question, why do you always say whatever?  
  
Squall: I always say 'whatever' because I can't think of anything else to say besides 'whatever', so I just say 'whatever', okay?  
  
Announcer: Squall have I ever mentioned that you are a very odd soul?  
  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
Cloud: (dashes towards Squall) Die, Cloud!  
  
Squall: Wait a sec dude, I'm not Cloud, I'm Squall. What kind of name is Cloud anyway, who would want to be named after a stupid weather name?  
  
Cloud: I am not Cloud, either, I'm Zack!  
  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
Cloud: Die! Braver! (attacks Squall with Braver)  
  
(Squall sustains a sharp blow to the chest, but still survives.)  
  
Squall: Renzokuken!  
  
(One blow hits, but the attacks that succeed it all miss)  
  
Squall: Damn R1 button!  
  
Cloud: Summon! Ifrit!  
  
Enter Ifrit, from the ground, as usual  
  
Ifrit: I AM HOT!!! I AM SOOOOO HOT!  
  
(Female demigods in the crowd cheer in agreement)  
  
Ifrit: No, I mean literally.  
  
Crowd: (moans)  
  
Ifrit: Hellfire!! (Flies towards Squall)  
  
Squall: (screams like Sam from Rocket Power, and starts to run)  
  
Squall: Guardian Force! Ifrit!  
  
Enter GF Ifrit  
  
GF Ifrit: Hell Fire! (flies toward S Ifrit)  
  
(They knock heads and fallback)  
  
S Ifrit: Ifrit? Wazzzzzuuuuup!  
  
GF Ifrit: Wazzzzzzzuuuup!  
  
S Ifrit: So, what up, my homey G.F!  
  
GF Ifrit: Notin'. Just watchin' the game, havin' a Bud.  
  
S Ifrit: True.  
  
Exit GF Ifrit and S Ifrit into the sunset  
  
Squall: (Dashes and slashes!)  
  
Cloud: (blocks with Buster Sword)  
  
(The dueling goes back and forth for a while, until they stop the hacking and slashing and find a new love: poker)  
  
Cloud: Hit me! Hit Me!  
  
Squall: (Takes out the gunblade and hits Cloud with it.)  
  
Cloud: (saddened, but in a rage) AHHHHHHH! My hair! Fire3!  
  
(cast Fire3 on Squall)  
  
Squall: Owwww! It burns, baby, burns!  
  
(His jacket is now pitch black, and the fur around the collar is gone)  
  
Squall: You! My strip of fake fur that I just bought for 5 gil and just glued onto my fake leather jacket! Now it's gone! Noooo! Firaga!  
  
Cloud: (hits the ground hard)  
  
Squall: Rough Divide!  
  
(Cloud is pinned to the ground from the force of the last blow) Squall: You! I will now make you pay the price! (raises his blade into the air, as if he is going to stab Cloud) (He then lowers it) 10 gil. Check, cash or credit card. Mastercard and Visa are accepted.  
  
Cloud: I'm not paying you nothin'  
  
Squall: Then you shall pay another price! A BLOOD PRICE!  
  
Cloud: Squall, before you violently and ferociously slay me, I have to tell you something. Laguna-  
  
Squall: How do you know who Laguna is? You don't even know who you are!  
  
Cloud: That's a good point. A major plot hole. I will soon confer with the writer of this script to discuss this major plot hole. This plot hole is so big you could fly the Ragnarok through it!  
  
Squall: You don't know what the Ragnarok is!  
  
Cloud: Yet another major plot hole.  
  
Squall: Get to the point!  
  
Cloud: Squall. Laguna is your father.  
  
Squall: No. he can't be. Wait a sec he's only 27 and I'm 17, how can he be my dad?  
  
Cloud: He is 27 in the dream world, my antisocial friend. Who knows how old he is today. Didn't you read the manual?  
  
Squall: (whips out his handy-dandy cell phone) Hello, Laguna? Are you my father? What do you mean how do I know? Some schizo told me.  
  
Laguna: (V.O) Well of course I'm your father, Squally. Any idiot who read the manual could figure that out. I even figured it out before I read the script.  
  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
(turns back to Cloud)  
  
Squall: LI-ON-Hea-  
  
Enter Rinoa from the crowd  
  
Rinoa: Yay, Squall! You're gonna win! GIVE ME A HUG!  
  
Squall: AHHHHH! Devil-Woman! (runs away)  
  
Exit Squall into the sunset  
  
Enter Judge.  
  
Judge: By rights of the rules. Squall has exited the battle arena, so I hereby name Cloud the winner of the 1st Annual Ultimate Battle in which Two odd people Duke it Out in the Ring!  
  
Crowd: (cheers)  
  
Cloud: Cloud? Who's Cloud?  
  
Announcer: (enraged) Hey! You can't do that! I decide the rules here! (jumps out of announcer's booth onto the battle square)  
  
Enter Seifer (Well, technically, he hasn't really entered because he was already on stage as the announcer, but he did enter in the sense that his identity has been revealed, and that he has actually entered into the arena)  
  
Seifer: (sheaths his gunblade) I challenge you to a duel!  
  
Cloud: OK, I guess.  
  
Enter Latin Choir  
  
Latin Choir: (whisper, whisper: Are we singin' One-Winged Angel or Liberi Fatali? I don't know. We'll just sing a combination of the two) (singing: Fithos Lusec Wecos Vinosec. Sephiroth!)  
  
Seifer: Bring it on, Cloud!  
  
Cloud: Cloud? Who's Cloud? Ohhhhhhhhhhh. I'm Cloud. I am Cloud. I am Cloud. (sprints toward Seifer, with his sword in his grasp) I AM CLOUD!  
  
Seifer: You're a quick one, kid. Ahhhh! (Just dodges the slice of Cloud's sword) Fire Cross! (hits Cloud hard, and he appears to be defeated)  
  
Cloud: Cure3!  
  
Seifer: Hey, I didn't know we could use Cure spells!  
  
Cloud: Tough Luck, kid. Blade Beam!  
  
(Cloud swings his sword and a mystical beam of blue light flies of his sword and hits Seifer on the forehead.)  
  
Seifer: (falls back)  
  
Seifer: (takes out handy dandy pocket mirror) My face! My beautiful face! That's gonna leave a scar! And it's right across my old scar! Now I'll have a giant 'X' on my head! (thinks a moment) Ohh. I got an idea. Curaga! (all his cuts and bruises disappear, but the scars remain.) NOOOOO!  
  
(They dash toward each other, engage in an elaborate swordfight, and suddenly Final Fantasy IX's Vamo alla' Flamenco is heard in the distance)  
  
Cloud: Climhazzard!  
  
Seifer: Fire Cross!  
  
(Both powerful attacks hit each other with great force, there is a flash of red light, and the two opponents fly back a few yards)  
  
Seifer: Guardian Force: Quezocotl!  
  
Enter Quezocotl  
  
(The shock of Thunder Storm hits Cloud with incredible energy, and his hair is left standing up even more than before)  
  
Cloud: (dazed) Summon. Bahamut!  
  
Enter Bahamut, King of Dragons  
  
Bahamut: Mega Flare!  
  
(Bahamut attacks the ground around Seifer, there is a huge explosion, and clouds of dust are kicked up. Cloud believes he has finished his opponent.)  
  
(five minutes later, the dust blows away, and there is Seifer, floating a few feet in the air, DBZ style)  
  
Seifer: Your useless tricks are stupid. and useless.  
  
Cloud: OMNISLASH!!!!!  
  
(Cloud uses Omnislash, and Seifer falls to the ground)  
  
Seifer: Okay. so maybe that wasn't so useless. (his eyes close)  
  
Exit Seifer, cause he's dead  
  
THE END 


End file.
